Day After Election Day: Looks Like I Won't Be Needing That T-Shirt After All...

...though it might be pretty funny to walk around wearing a Kerry "Not My President" for the next four years anyway. I could even make a bunch of different ones... all kinds of different people who, much like John Kerry, are Not My President.

By the way, Fat Mike, Punkvoter, MTV's Rock the Vote, and the rest of the Cool Kids who we're all supposed to look up to:

Hahahaha! Hahahahahaha!

Way to go, guys! You tried so hard to get the young, idealistic people of this country to go to the polls and vote the way you wanted them to! Too bad you fucking failed! 18-24 year old voters turned out in the exact same proportions as last time. I wonder why.

Could it be that your bullshit didn't work? Could it be that enough of them saw through it, and decided that they'd rather continue playing GTA than go out and cast their vote for Lying Traitorous Power Luster as opposed to Unprincipled Jesus Guy? Thay maybe some of them decided to look up a fact or two and discovered, for example, that --holy shit!-- they actually won't be drafted into the military if that monkey-looking dude wins a second term? Even though you repeatedly lied to them and told them that they would?

That sure would be nice.

Either way, guys, you sure did waste a lot of your time, effort, and money on getting young'uns to vote Kerry, didn't you? Big, big congratulations from me to you on your embarrassing lack of success! Now, please go back to promoting vapid and uninspired soundalike bands. It's evidently the only thing you're good at. Go make some of that money back using the American capitalist system you despise so very much.

And Kerry: Thank you for doing the first decent thing of your entire campaign, and conceding gracefully. Not only have we been spared four years of you as President, but you kindly spared us the sore-losery of 2000's Al Gore, who you would have undoubtedly joined in history's garbage can had you opted to contest the outcome of this election.

To everyone else, whether your candidate won or lost: Go get drunk tonight. Really tie one on. It'll either make you feel better, or lots better.

Election Day

While I'm not exactly ready for four years of Kerry in the White House, I can at least say that I'm ready for the possibility of Kerry losing the popular vote while winning the electoral:



Sure, it's juvenile and stupid. It's been juvenile and stupid ever since easily-programmable punk rock robots started wearing the Bush version on t-shirts four years ago.

The difference is that this time around, it's parody! And parody is always funnier.

In other news, this election will take fucking forever, and no matter who wins there will be lawsuits contesting the outcome (I believe Kerry has already stated that if he loses, he and his army of lawyers will not concede), and recounts, and cheating, oh yes, quite a large filthy shitload of cheating.

Joyous.