liberty punk
"the irony of the information age is that it's given new respectability to uninformed opinion."


Friday, October 10, 2003  

Kill Bill

I'm sick of all the hype surrounding this flick. Everywhere I look, every magazine cover, internet banner, TV ad... it's all about 'Kill Bill.' Tarantino thinks he can just slink out of his self-imposed writer/director hiatus and unload this bomb on us? Well, he... I... I mean, he can't just...

Okay, I'm just fucking around here. 'Kill Bill' is gonna be a fantastic, superstylized violence-fest, and you'd just better believe me when I say I can't wait to see it.

In the spirit of SaveTheHumans.com's Unseen Movie Reviews, I'll now review 'Kill Bill' without actually having seen it yet:

Holy shit, was that ever great. The best part was when all those people died. Uma Thurman wears a yellow-and-black jumpsuit just like Bruce Lee's from 'Game of Death,' and that's pretty cool too. No, wait, the best part was when Uma Thurman killed all those people by chopping their limbs and heads off, and then when she's done, she's all like "Those of you who are still alive, you may go, but you will leave your limbs here. They belong to me now," or something like that. Either that, or the part where she and Lucy Liu fight in the snow and [SPOILER ALERT!] stuff happens, and one of them kills the other one [END SPOILER ALERT!], that might also be the best part.

No, actually, the whole movie is just one big, fat, bolshy bastard of a 'best part.' The movie doesn't even have one best part; It's more like when you get home from seeing it, you'll say to your bong-sucking hippie roommate or your idiotic fleabag pets, "The best part about the year 2003 was when I went to see Kill Bill!"

You'll love it so much that when you get home, you'll immediately call up the MovieFone guy just to hear him say "You have selected Kill Bill, Volume One, Rated Aaarrrrr," over and over again. Then maybe you'll go up in your attic and bring down the Hanzo Hattori sword that you inherited from your grandma, and maybe you'll walk down the street to the Circle K and stab a few people, hoping that a young, trash-talking Asian schoolgirl will show up with a spiked ball-and-chain to fight you.

To put it in some kind of perspective: 'Reservoir Dogs' was Quentin's film noir (it even had Lawrence Tierney), 'Jackie Brown' was his blaxploitation flick (it even had Pam Grier), 'Pulp Fiction' was his pulp fiction (it even had Eric Stoltz, who was in 'The Fly II', which was a work of fiction), and 'Kill Bill' is his 70's kung-fu movie (it even has David Carradine and Sonny Chiba).

Go see it right now. Even if you're at work, just stand up and yell, in the general direction of the boss' office, "I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD. GUESS I'LL GO HOME NOW," then run out to your car and speed to the nearest moviehouse, ignoring all traffic laws and pedestrians in your way, because those things will just slow you down.

Go!

posted by geoff | 12:45 PM |
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